Ever miss someone so much that you get used to being in that state of mind, almost outgrown the wish to ask that person to understand you?
I have no idea as to where am going and what I will do about this one person. He is there inside and out, everywhere, like the air I breathe. I talk to him, smile at him, ask him, reply on his behalf, act, dance, sing and cook for him, bathe with him, travel with him and eat with him.. I see him everywhere and admire my imaginative personification of him being there as a doer of everything love. I am fascinated by the idea that he exists in every spirit and matter part of me.
Here I am, again, at the class, to learn about our great scripture and yoga of renunciation of action in wisdom. Here, I learn about the conversation between Lord Krishna and Arjuna, the verses 1-24 of Shrimad Bhagwad Gita, here I am to understand what life is and why this literature is the power of universe and why it is still the most sacred and knowledgeable education one can get. I am here, listening to the meaning of a real yogi, the wise men, the learned sages, the secret of them being who they were.
And yet, while I am learning about the detachments from worldly pleasures and likes, from emotional attachments and external matters – yet, here I find him. Each quality, virtue described here is who he is. I had called him my god and yes, here I know, he possesses the wisdom of mind and matter, of possessions and letting go, of being the supreme force of his own understanding and actions; yet unknowingly that he lives, unaware of his values, he, who is present everywhere and is a replica of god, him I understand.
He is here, in every verse and explanation, every virtue and every spec of awakening. He is pure love. He carries on his deeds without getting attached or losing a part of him, he is whole and he is the truth, the existence.
Considering him my everything and God almighty was my dedication to him, but founding the right path of connecting to one’s spirit and inner self, Of knowing him to be a true gem that he is, I think I found everything I was seeking, in him, I found in him the peace and connection with the spirit of life.
It is a magical feeling, that he hasn’t left from me for a blink of an eye, and yet he is not to be seen or touched. But he is felt, he is immortal in my soul, he is spirit to my matter, he is the power that drives me, that gives life to my senses and he is the infinite being.
Long ago, when I was naive and vulnerable and thoughtless lover, I connected this way with him- never knowing why I was feeling that. And now, after learning the value of a person, a life, of love and how a mistake can affect lives, after learning from the great great wise beings, in the presence of highest powers, I realise that I have been and will always be his devotee – in love and life, for he is who led me to his path, to this wisdom and to this eternal love. I do not have him near but I have him inside.
He is my Own, my love, my world; but not mine, as nothing is mine. He moves as and where he is needed and sought for. Maybe I am not supposed to have him in a worldly way, as my love is too pure for that. Love that is out of my own reach! It is he who has me, he who brightens me. He who has got me.
Thank you Universe, thank you God, thank you for being there for a lost soul.